You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
don't judge my taste in strippers
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
