The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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