So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
