whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
