In the future we'll all be gay
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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