Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
