i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
