if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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