so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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