I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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