i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
