Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
