Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
