Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
