my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Two words: blizzard sex
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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