you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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