I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
