I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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