I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to cum in my sink.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
