hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You dont lie about slip and slides
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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