One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
