i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize