Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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