God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize