i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
