I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
