That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
