Where is the hickey?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
