It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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