I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
