I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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