I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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