Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
