do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
