I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
