So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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