Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
