dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
