So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
