Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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