omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
