So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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