I just saw a hot homeless man
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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