her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Houston, we have a squirter
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
