Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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