peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
