i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
