Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
