I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
