Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
