when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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