Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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