now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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