we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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