I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
