i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
