I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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